barbara walters just said penis...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
