You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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