why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
