Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
