I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize