I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
