I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
only if we run a train.
done.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
