Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You don't make any sense
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