My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You may now shotgun with the bride
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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