with your own penis?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
