you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
