You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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