Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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