I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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