The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
