walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
