Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
