I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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