I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
