oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
