Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize