the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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