he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
