what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
