I wanna bring you to show and tell
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
