Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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