or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I won't apologize to a one balled man
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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