Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
