Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
