So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize