It's like a parade of train wrecks.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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