you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I understand Curling. That high.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
