You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
