Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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