I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
