i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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