i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Found your dick twin last night
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
