apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
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