yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize