who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
