he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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