o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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