I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
