I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
