this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
