I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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