I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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