Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
