I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
