i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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