Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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