Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
