I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We have so much sex to catch up on
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize