Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
