Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
