Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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