Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
