You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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