a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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