my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
