Don't make out with my wife yet
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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