I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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