your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
