Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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