rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
