You smell like stripper and shame
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
