Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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