What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
