your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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