Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
