You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
