I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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