The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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