"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
