Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
