You can't motorboat a personality
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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