i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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