I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
