Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
